This week on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, the title is “Housewarming History Lesson.” Who will get schooled on the Family Science of the Gorga family? Sharpen your pencils and let us get to work, shall we?

The men have finally called it a night at 1:32 a.m. after some male bonding drinking ritual. Joe B. is so trashed he barely made it into bed and fell asleep quickly before he had to see Marge naked. John drank 17 shots and admits he drank the most. Nate thinks these guys have nothing on him since it was just like another night, and it was a weak initiation.

Teresa and Louie are having a love bubble housewarming party. She only wants positive energy for her party since she has been sucked into Louie’s love bubble. Louie tells Teresa that Joe told him to f*ck himself multiple times the previous night. He lets Teresa know that Joe is annoyed that Melissa’s family is not invited to their wedding. Teresa claims that the Gorgas did not invite Louie’s family to Antonia’s birthday, and they should have. She is really grasping with this one. Teresa says that Louie’s family is so wonderful to her. She has no idea that this is all part of Louie’s plan for his family to welcome her into their greasy fold and pull her away from her own.

Melissa comes to Joe’s job site where he just slapped on his itty bitty toolbelt to see the work in progress on their new home. She really came to find out how the guys’ night went. Joe mentions that it did not go well with Louie since Louie brought up the podcast. Melissa mentions that they helped Joe Giudice to put food on the table since he had no one to film with. She really needs to get rid of that interview look with the red lipstick — it makes her look trashy, not classy. Side note: The accusation that Joe does not pay his bills has been rearing its ugly head again with the construction of their new home.

Teresa calls Joe to check in with him. She repeats what Louie put on the notepad to make peace. Teresa wants to know if they are coming to her housewarming party, and he is noncommittal. She does tell him she loves him, and he says it in return. Teresa is pleasantly surprised that Joe said it back to her.

Dolores has her mom Valerie come over, and we get to see the sweet Frankie Jr. Valerie admits she had cake for breakfast, so it does not appear she is making healthy choices after her health scare. She likes Paul but wonders how he is doing with navigating this highly dysfunctional family. Frankie Jr. asks Dolores how Paul and Frank are coexisting. Paul does not want the relationship that Frank has with David — and nor should he. Dolores was willing to take Frank’s feelings into account in the past even though he was a sh*t husband, but those days are over. Side note: My theory on Frank and Paul is this — Frank likes men with Dolores who he gets along with and who do not make him look bad since he was such a sh*tty husband. David was no threat to him since he was emotionally unavailable.

Jennifer and Bill are having dinner, and they are discussing their relationship. Bill thinks she has spoiled their children. Jennifer (whose hooked nose is distracting me at this camera angle) thinks since Bill cheated he has upset their family dynamic. Jennifer thinks Bill can make extravagant purchases for himself, but when she does so, it is spoiling. She is tired of being made the scapegoat, and she wants Bill to stop trying to defuse the situation. Jennifer does not want his input since he does not agree with her. Bill looks like Jennifer is on his last nerve and he is planning an exit strategy. He should be able to buy an expensive car, especially since he is the breadwinner and a great provider.

Rachel is meeting Jennifer F. for lunch, and they are really vibing with each other. She shares that Jennifer was commiserating with her over their bad-nose jobs even though she thought that was rather presumptuous of her. Rachel’s nose does resemble “Cindy-Lou Who,” but she cannot believe Jennifer would make that assumption. Jennifer apparently has a mission to destroy this season and also has been sh*t talking Dolores. She then called Jen F. and wanted a referral for therapy. Jennifer then pivoted and continued on her warpath and started trashing Margaret in this call. They both think Jennifer is being very manipulative and attribute it to jealousy, which they deem a disease. Well then, this whole cast is disease-ridden!

Margaret and Dolores go shopping for Teresa’s housewarming party. She cannot believe she is even going to her home again after everything they went through. Dolores wonders if Melissa and Joe will go and decides to call Melissa to see if they will be attending the party. Melissa will be going, but Joe is not interested in attending.

Joe calls Melissa and tells her he is definitely not going since he knows that Teresa really does not really want him there. He does not want to fake it like they have for countless seasons. Teresa is disappointed that Joe is not coming. She talks to Milania and Gia about the issues that they have. Melissa is going to go alone, which I applaud her for since you know that this is a sticky situation to walk into, and it is not because of too much hairspray and gel.

We have arrived at the love bubble housewarming party, which will be all cast except Joe Gorga and Frank. There is a woman rolling around in the floating plastic love bubble in their pool, who Teresa calls a dancer. Teresa sees that as dancing just like her embarrassing stint on DWTS. Margaret mentions how Jennifer is trash-talking her and deems her to be a professional victim.

Louie pulls Tre up on the table, who screeches since she has no underwear on. Could she at least cover that thing with a hairnet since she is near the food table? Teresa calls this group her “chosen family,” and you know this comment is going to be repeated all season. Melissa goes to the bathroom because she is in tears after Teresa’s comment. All of the sudden, the sprinklers are turned on. (By Melissa? That would be a good b*tch move…)  This group will have to run for cover since we have some wicked witches who could literally melt.

Melissa comes back out and tells Jackie she sold her out to Danielle about wearing hamper clothes. Danielle comes up to Jackie to have her check her outfit to see if it came out of the dirty hamper. She then puts her hands in Jackie’s face with the excuse of that is how she talks. Jackie jumps to the ridiculous conclusion that Danielle is threatening her because she talks with her hands.

Teresa mentions that the kids have not seen Joe Gorga for six months. Danielle sees similarities between their families because her brother is not speaking to her family. Melissa talks to Gia and Gabriella, and they both miss their cousins. She knows the girls hate them, and especially her, but it is painful for her to have to engage with them knowing their true feelings.

Jennifer then gets called out by Marge for calling Jennifer F. to complain about her. She claims to have only made that call since she is in desperate need of a marriage counselor. Dolores then approaches and finds out that Jennifer was trash-talking her too at the cheese party. Jennifer admits to calling Rachel since she outed her bad-nose job. She wanted to let her know that she will be there for her since everyone badmouthed her terrible nose job.

Rachel and Jennifer get into it, which results in Jennifer calling Rachel an idiot. She grabs her husband John to get out of this messy party, but he wants to give her the opportunity to check this b*tch. Jennifer is assuming that someone from Rachel’s generation could not possibly be smart. She acts all smug that she was able to chase off the newbie. Rachel just wants to find the emergency exit to escape this deranged Housewife who has become unhinged this season.

Next week, Margaret and Jennifer combust, and we see more fallout from the Gorga feud. Happy Hump Day, Blurbers, and see you tomorrow in Miami!